If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
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