if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
