Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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