I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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