When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
