genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
soo... how was my night?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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