Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Holy sore nipples Batman
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
