For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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