So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Randomize
