Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
