I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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