Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
