i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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