didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
