ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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