my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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