Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
