Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
