It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
