I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
