Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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