It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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