I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Randomize
