You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
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