god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
