BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
