i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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