omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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