I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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