dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
