trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
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