I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
