I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
