Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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