so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
