Soap is not a condiment
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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