Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
