I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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