you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize