everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
