Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
