Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
