hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
