i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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