I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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