new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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