I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
