he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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