he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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