The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
