You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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