there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Randomize
