i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
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