I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
my penis made a compromise with my morals
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize