so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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