they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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