You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
