Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
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