Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
