I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
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