My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Randomize
