Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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