Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize