I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Randomize
