i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Randomize
