Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
my shit smells like andre
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
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