sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
