Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
