if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
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