Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
She's like a pop up book from hell.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
