I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
