Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I think i got beer on your cat.
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