Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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