angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize